The Longing in the Waiting
by hilarycantdraw
Summary: Brennan reflects on her past with Booth as she waits for life-altering news. Spoilers for the Change in the Game


**So, I heard this poem the other day and it lead me to write this piece. It should be pretty easy to figure out where this picks up once you start reading. Enjoy!**

Learn With Every Goodbye  
>– Veronica A Shoffstall<br>After a while, you learn the subtle difference  
>between holding a hand and chaining a soul,<br>And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning  
>And company doesn't mean security,<br>And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts  
>And presents aren't promises,<br>And you begin to accept your defeats  
>With the grace of a woman,<br>not the grief of a child,  
>And learn to build all your roads on today<br>Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,  
>And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight<br>And after a while, you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much.  
>So you plant your own garden<br>and decorate your own soul,  
>Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.<br>And you learn that you really can endure…  
>That you really are strong<br>And you really do have worth  
>And you learn<br>and learn…  
>With every goodbye, you learn.<p>

Temperance Brennan walked into her bathroom, setting her bag on the counter. She began to empty it, pulling out a hideous wig, overly bold make-up, and a pregnancy test. She stared down at the third object with apprehension, knowing that the course of her future could be all too easily altered, depending on its result. She sighed, opening the box and followed the instructions before beginning the three longest minutes of her life.

She was scared. Completely, mind-numbingly scared. Things had been going so well lately. She and Booth had finally been getting back on track. Things weren't perfect, but they'd never been, though they were so damn close once upon a time. Back before sabbaticals, and coma dreams, faked deaths, and _Zach_. Back when they were so close to crossing that ridiculous line, when she was finally ready, because despite the fact that she and Booth seemed to be from different planets, he was really very nice. Brennan was finally following her heart when everything that could possibly go wrong did and suddenly her life spiraled out of control, leaving her to look at the pieces left behind, unable to salvage it.

She had no idea that night when she took the stage to sing Cyndi Lauper that she was hitting the apex of the rollercoaster that was her life, leaving her unprepared for her sudden plunge, the freefall that never really slowed. She finds herself irrationally wishing that she could go back to that moment as his eyes bore into hers while they shared a type of unrestrained joy neither typically allowed. She could have spent forever in that one moment, in that seemingly impenetrable bubble of lightness. But bubbles are not impenetrable, and lightness is fleeting, and life doesn't allow for re-dos or changies or take-backs.

She wonders where everything went so wrong. What if she had said yes that night in front of the Hoover? What if she had allowed herself to admit to Booth how much she missed him while he was 'dead'? What if the day at the reflection pool she had spoken first, before Booth had a chance to pull out his cell phone and show her the picture that made her stomach drop? Brennan only rarely allows herself to think of 'what ifs.' There are so many of them, and ruminating on the past never helps anything. So, she tucks the scenarios away into the back of her mind and only takes them out during her lowest moments, when the past is easier to confront than the present. Moments such as this.

As she waits, Brennan finds herself thinking back to the days leading up to the discovery of Booth's tumor. Had she gone through with the insemination, their child would have been close to three by now. Maybe then they wouldn't have fallen apart, maybe they would be a family, there would have been a tangible, living link keeping them together. She wouldn't have spent so many months feeling so alone. That's all she really wanted in the first place, a chance to love and be loved back unconditionally. It had been selfish of her to ask Booth because she knew that he could never abandon their child, and while she was fairly certain he'd never abandon her either, she wanted that extra evidence. Obviously, she had been wrong.

Yes, he didn't abandon her in the strictest sense of the word, but his hurt worse than any previous betrayal. He rushed her and she balked, said she couldn't change because she didn't know how. Instead of telling her she didn't need to change, or offering to help her change, he announced he'd have to move on. And he did. He moved onto a beautiful, not socially awkward, funny, reporter. She confessed her mistake, and he walked away and proposed to Hannah few weeks later.

Brennan was there for the fall-out when the journalist left, choosing to remain loyal to him despite his previous transgressions, and slowly they drifted back together, leading up to the fateful night when she crawled into his bed. Which led directly to where she was now.

She was fairly certain of what his reaction would be if she was pregnant. He would stand by her, an alpha-male to the end. But she wasn't sure she wanted that. This development in their relationship was so new that she wasn't completely sure where she stood with him. The last thing she wanted was to become an obligation to him. She didn't want to be his consolation prize.

The timer she had set finally went off, startling her out of her reverie. Her three minutes were up, she picked up the stick reluctantly, feeling panic rise in her chest as a bold plus sign stared back at her. She held her anxiety back, knowing that it was of no use to her now. There was no reason to waste more time considering possible outcomes when she didn't yet know all the variables.

All she could do right now is solve this case and tell Booth, and take it one step at a time from there. She took a long moment, staring at herself in the mirror, allowing one hand to rest on her stomach for a fleeting moment, a small tentative smile crossing her face, before picking up a case of bright blue eye shadow and getting to work on her undercover outfit.

**If this seems unresolved and you want to see Booth and Brennan talk some of these things out, they do so in my story "The Nicest Thing in the Partnership" after you pass the first 2 chapters.**


End file.
